Things White People in Asia Like

*note: this is heavily influenced by the Stuff White People Like blog

Other White People

Socializing with other white people is the goal of any trip to Asia. White people will never admit this but instead talk about "discovering new cultures," "broadening their horizons," and "finding themselves." Although they are clearly lying, it is considered impolite to point this out. Instead, present opportunities for them to interact with locals in a controlled setting (like a store) or, even better, take them to a place with white clientele.

White People are herd animals by nature and are filled with an almost uncontrollable urge to join any predominantly white group they encounter, especially when there is music involved. White people almost invariably travel together.*

White people can be found mostly in bars and restaurants that advertise heavily in the free maps and guidebooks found at the airport. Their eyes will light up when they walk inside and gaze into an ocean of white faces. Although the food will be bad and the prices outrageous, congratulate them on finding "a local place few foreigners know about." Upon receiving a food or drink menu, the white people will always comment on how cheap everything is. If you again congratulate them on being savvy travelers who refuse to overpay, you will have fully earned their trust.

White people will inevitably find other groups of white people to talk to. They will most likely not talk to an asian person other than a waitress or bartender the entire night. In fact, most white people will never talk to an asian other than shopkeepers, taxi drivers, waiters, and hostel workers during their entire asian trip. Never point this out. White people will get extremely defensive and refuse further conversation if you do. To a white person, one of the most important parts of their trip is the illusion that they were able to truly experience another culture and its people. You must maintain this illusion if you wish to deal with white people on a regular basis.

*An aside: be very cautious of white people traveling alone. They will be insane, socially inept, or both. While it is sometimes possible to befriend them, their inability to understand social cues will most likely result in your embarrassment as well as dozens or hundreds of future emails. Remember, in the bizarre world of white transient culture, mere eye contact with another person in a hostel results in a life-long friendship, or at very least an exchange of travel-related stories. An inability to make friends in this environment is comparable to an inability to find companionship in a whorehouse.

Huge Backpacks

For white people, backpacks serve the same function as a peacock's tail. A large backpack is a sign of virility, stamina, and overall prowess as a traveler. When two white people meet, the one with the larger backpack becomes the dominant white person. But what happens if they aren't wearing backpacks? Trick question! White people are always found with them.

Some white people have taken to wearing an additional large backpack in the front. They will automatically win any confrontation with a uni-backpacked traveler. Presumably this trend will escalate to the point where we will see side-backpacks, head-backpacks, and backpack-backpacks. A white person so adorned would be incapable of movement but would nevertheless become the most dominant white person around.

Never suggest a more convenient receptacle for transporting enormous quantities of goods, such as a suitcase. Even if it has rollers or backpack straps for ease of transport, the educated white person knows that traveling with a suitcase results in a 73% decrease of freedom.

Androgyny

How do you tell the men from the women in Asia? This isn't the setup for a joke but rather a dilemma often confronting those dealing with white people. Males tend to be thin and delicate, with soft features and long flowing hair. A white person with a beard will usually, but not always, be male. Females tend to be physically imposing and can grow to enormous size. They are the dominant "enforcers" of the group and care should be taken when disagreeing with them.

When unsure of a particular white person's gender (as will often be the case), wait until another white person refers to them as "he" or "she." Until then, try to avoid referencing them in the third person as a mistake in this area will usually ruin or set back your relationship.