How to Bring Joy to the World

Suppose you want to make a positive difference in the world. You want to give money to a charity buy you’re concerned about how much of your donation will actually go towards helping people. You want to help end hunger and diseases like AIDS and malaria but you aren’t a billionaire. You’d like to mentor an at-risk child but then you’re only helping one person. I have a solution for you: get a tattoo of a penis on your forehead.

I’m completely serious about this. I can’t imagine a simpler, more cost-effective way to bring joy and relief to so many people. When you’ve been on your feet for 12 hours and just had a fight with your spouse, none of that matters anymore when you see someone with a dick on their forehead. If you’ve just been laid off and aren’t sure how you’ll feed your family, your troubles become unimportant after encountering someone with a penis tattoo on their face. With such a tattoo, ou could visit the poorest areas of Asia, Africa, and South America and touch the lives of millions. Millions. Think about it.

"Lao" vs. "Laotian"

According to the dictionary, a Laotian is a person from Laos or of Lao descent. "Laotian" is also an adjective for things pertaining to Laos or Laotians.

I have never heard a citizen or an expat use the word "Laotian." The only people who use the term are clueless tourists. Everyone, for example, talks about "Lao people," drinking beer "Lao Style*," and asks questions like, "Is she Thai or Lao?"

I know I'm going to get an email about how "Laotian" is a more egalitarian term because the Lao are only one ethnic group in Laos, etc. I'm aware of this, I'm just reporting what people say.

While I'm on this subject, when referring to the country, most expats say "Lao" instead of "Laos." This is because the Lao word for "Laos" is "Lao." You might need to read that last sentence a few times before it makes sense. The French added an "s" to the country name just for the hell of it and we've been stuck with "Laos" instead of "Lao" ever since.

One of the most common questions I get is about the pronunciation of "Vientiane." There are three possible answers:
1. The Lao name for their capital.
2. The closest English transliteration of 1.
3. Pronunciation of "Vientiane."

I obviously can't give you 1 since I'm writing in English, but 2 would probably be Wiengchan, although the "w" could also be a "v" and the "ch" could also be a "j." No westerners use this when talking to other westerners, in fact they seem to avoid saying the name of the city whenever possible. "Vientiane" can be pronounced vee-ehn-tee-ehn or vee-ehn-tee-ahn. The French pronunciation is also fine.

*poured into a small glass which is immediately drunk and passed to the next person

The Final Word on Sex with Foreigners

• Yes, it’s illegal for Lao nationals to stay overnight with foreigners of the opposite sex. It doesn’t matter if she’s a hooker, your fiancé, or a misunderstanding—if you’re not married, it’s technically illegal.
• Foreigners sleeping with foreigners and Lao-on-Lao sex is ok.
• I’ve spoken about this with several other foreigners who have been here longer than I have. The only confirmed cases we’ve heard of in Vientiane were foreigners living with their Lao girlfriends. None of us had heard of a single verified case of anyone getting fined for a one-night fling or relationship where the Lao girl did not live with the guy in Vientiane.
• This has happened in Vang Vieng and Luang Prabang, which are much smaller than Vientiane.
• I’ve known two foreign women who have openly lived with their Lao boyfriends without incident.
• If you bring a girl back to your hotel/guesthouse, there is almost no chance of getting in trouble for it, but it is possible. If you can’t afford the $500 (or possibly more) fine, keep it in your pants.
• How do people deal with this? Some people only date other westerners, some live with their girlfriends from surrounding countries, and some live with their Lao girlfriends in other countries (usually Thailand). I even heard about a guy who officially employed his girlfriend as a live-in maid. If you have a Lao girlfriend, you will probably be fine as long as she doesn’t move in with you or make a habit of staying over.

Attention Backpackers:

Here are some things you should know that the guidebooks don’t tell you:

• “Why is the internet so slow?” Because you’re in fucking Laos. This means you won’t be able to upload your terabyte of photos, you won’t be able to download your favorite TV shows, and you won’t be able to have neat video chats with your friends. It should be obvious that 3rd-world countries don’t have lightning-fast internet connections but I keep running into people who can’t grasp this.

• Either leave your laptop, ipod, $800 digital camera, and portable DVD player at home or stay in places nice enough that you don’t have to worry about security. How are you supposed to enjoy yourself when you have to lug around a backpack full of shit everywhere you go?

• You aren’t saving much money by drinking at your hostel or guesthouse. A large Beerlao in the minimart costs 8,000 kip. A large Beerlao in many bars costs 10,000 kip and you can often find happy hour specials for 8,000. This means that instead of going out and having fun, you’ve saved maybe a dollar by drinking in your room like a miserable degenerate.

• You don’t need to negotiate every time you spend money. Negotiating the price of a tuk-tuk: good. Negotiating the price of a Buddha statue: perfectly fine. Arguing for 20 minutes with a guesthouse clerk so you can save $.50 a night: pathetic. Trying to get items at a bar or restaurant for below the listed price: you sully everything you touch. Please kill yourself.

More Jokes

From the same book:

John: Waiter! There are ants in my soup.
Waiter: I know, its ant soup.

*

I sacrificed everything so that my son could become a doctor, and now he tells me I have to stop eating raw fish salad and blood-soaked snacks.

*

Xiengdy is the fanatic anti-smoker. Whenever he saw someone smoking a cigarette, he would pull it out of the person’s mouth and step on it. He finally died of foot cancer.

*

Three sons Bounmy, Khamsy, and Thongdy discussed the gifts they had given to their elderly mother. The first son said, “I’ve just built a big house for our mother.” The second son said, “I’ve just sent Mom a Mercedes with a driver.” The third son said, “We all remember how our mother enjoys listening to folksongs so I’ve sent her a parrot that can sing folksongs from north to south.” Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letter of thanks. The letter reads:

Bounmy, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room but I have to clean the whole house.
Khamsy, I am too old to travel, so I rarely use the car. The driver is so rude.
Thongdy, the parrot was delicious.

*

The police bring a prisoner criminal to the jail. The manager of the jail asks impatiently, “didn’t I tell you that I didn’t want to see you here again?”
“Yes sir. That’s what I told the policeman but he didn’t believe me.”

*

Father: Why did you let that English boy kiss you?
Daughter: I could not stop him because I can not speak English.

*

Judge: Why did you use the chair to hit your wife?
Defendant: Because I am not strong enough to lift the table!

*

A new soldier shoots 20 bullets but does not hit the target even once. His instructor is very angry and swears at him:
“Idiot! Don’t shoot anymore. Go into the woods and kill yourself.”
I’m going to cut the joke off here, the rest of it doesn’t matter.

*

“Do you serve women at this bar?”
“No, sir, you must bring your own.”