General Travel Tips Vol. 2

Valium and Xanax are your friends for long journeys--Valium and Xanax are sedative-hypnotics in the benzodiazapine family. I didn't even have to look that up. When you take them you will either fall asleep or drift into a pleasant daze. Either of these makes a long plane, bus, or rail trip infinitely more bearable. Most countries require a doctor's prescription (or good connection) so don't be an idiot and try to bring them across borders.

No one cares about your travel blog--By travel blog I mean a blog or series of emails where you provide pictures and long written descriptions of places you've been. It might hurt to hear this, but your family and friends will either be apathetic or bitterly jealous of your travels. Sure, there will be one person on the outer periphery of your circle of friends who seems really enthused, but let's face it, there's a reason you don't hang out with her very much.

The other thing is that this isn't the 16th century and there's nothing unique about visiting places halfway around the world. There was a time when Thailand was exotic and mysterious*, but now it's just a mass tourism destination like any other. Hell, even my sister's been there and she likes Dane Cook. Unless you're visiting North Korea or hitchhiking through Iraq, people just aren't interested.

*Check out the excellent "Temples and Elephants" written by a 19th-century Scandinavian adventurer.

Get the business card from wherever you're staying--Sometimes you can't remember the name of the place you're staying. Sometimes you're too drunk to pronounce it. Sometimes the cab driver doesn't know where it is and needs to call the front desk. You don't want to be wandering around trying to remember where you checked into a few hours ago.

Get lots of passport photos--The last time you needed passport photos you probably got the cheap set of four, used two on your paperwork, and shoved the others into a drawer. This is a mistake. Living in another country (or just travelling abroad) will burn through passport photos like a fat guy eating Cheetos. Any time you need to get some paperwork handled (including visas), you'll generally need to provide at lease a pair of photos. God help you if lose any travel documents. It's usually only marginally more expensive to get 16 (or more) photos instead of 4, so make sure you take advantage of the opportunity.

General Travel Tips Vol. 1

Here are some general travel tips I've picked up over the years. I've tried to avoid things that are well-known or just common sense.

Get the special meal--Have you ever been on a flight and wished you could get your food before everyone else? Well, you can either fly first class or request one of the special meal options when buying your ticket. If you select kosher, halal, low-sodium, etc., you get your food before they start passing out regular meals. I can't understand why more people are not aware of this. My favorite is low-sodium because it comes with a packet of salt. I generally avoid kosher because I figure I'd have a hard time explaining that I'm not Jewish if the plane gets hijacked.

Get the more expensive bus--If there are two buses you can take from point A to point B, go with the more expensive option. The air-con, comfortable seats, on board bathroom, and lack of livestock are more than worth the extra $5.

Backpackers, leave the gadgets at home-- I've mentioned this before, but it's a mistake many people seem to make. If you're staying in a hostel (or anywhere else where security is a concern), don't travel with a laptop, ipod, $700 camera, etc. You either have to haul all this shit wherever you go or worry about the very real prospect of it getting stolen. A good compromise would be bringing an iphone or ipod touch--it can play video and music as well as connect to the internet for email and other applications. The device is small enough to keep on you without any inconvenience. Internet cafes are everywhere in case you need to do any significant typing or upload pictures.

Digital cameras should be small and cheap--If photography is your hobby, by all means get a nice digital SLR. Otherwise, you want a camera that is compact so you can shove it in your pocket and relatively inexpensive so you won't be heartbroken if you lose or break it. A small drop in image quality is a small price to pay for the pictures you'll be getting from bars/clubs/boats/whatever. Besides, you can easily find pictures of landmarks that are 100x better than anything you could do.

I'm sure there will be additional travel tips as I think of them.

August

I have a fairly significant project to finish by the end of August (nothing Laos-related) so I’m not sure how much writing I’ll get done this month. Hopefully I’ll have a burst of creativity and be able to put up one or two things.

I was listening to the Rolling Stones song “Sympathy for the Devil” and something I had never thought of started to bother me. Near the end of the song Mic Jagger sings “just call me LUCIFER” like it’s supposed to be some major revelation. The only thing is that the previous lyrics make it painfully obvious who the speaker is and the song is titled “Sympathy for the Devil.” The “ha, gotcha” ending really only works if you’re so stoned you forgot the first three minutes.

It must be terrible being a Hollywood makeup artist. I’m sure the job itself pays well and is interesting, but you must be constantly harassed by people wanting you to transform them for parties and other events. I’m sure the following happens all the time:
“So, what do you do?”
“I’m a special effects makeup artist.”
“That’s awesome! Hey, I’m going to a costume party in two weeks, can you make me look really fat?”
“Um, that would take over 20 hours to make molds of your face and color the prosthetic pieces.”
“I could pay you like $100.”
“That’s less than $5 an hour and my work schedule is really busy…”
“So, can you do it?”

Lesson Learned From Lao New Years

note: I started writing this several months ago

I have a column half-written about how much I hate Lao New Years (pi mai lao or Songkran in Thailand) but I’m too happy today to finish it, mostly because I got plenty of sleep last night, it’s sunny, and the streets aren’t filled with assholes waiting to douse me with filthy water as soon as I turn my back. So culturally what can we learn from the whole ordeal?

I think one reason people like the holiday so much is that, as one Lao friend put it, “everyone’s head is on the same level.” Before I get to anything else, I need to explain about Lao culture’s inane obsession with head placement. Despite being a communist country (at least officially), Lao culture is extremely hierarchical. Status depends on age, gender, profession, and whether a person is a monk (monkness?). Except for brief moments, your head should not be higher than someone of greater status and Lao people put a lot of effort into ensuring this. For example, if you are standing and a maid or child has to cross in front of you, they will bow at the waist to ensure their head is noticeably below yours. I find the whole thing embarrassing and mildly distasteful, sort of a body language equivalent of being called “master.” As a foreigner, you won’t usually have to pay attention to these head placement conventions, but as a general rule you shouldn’t be standing when the people you’re talking to are sitting.

Getting back to my original point, the pi mai holiday allows for a suspension of normal social rules. It’s perfectly ok to show mild disrespect to authority figures like monks, teachers, and generals (well, maybe not generals). In western culture, it’s not unusual to go drinking with your boss, but asians seem to find this same sort of familiarity liberating.

Watching pi mai, it becomes immediately apparent why we lost the Vietnam war. The Lao people are probably the friendliest and most generous I’ve ever met, but anyone who’s lived here knows they’re not especially motivated, creative, or disciplined. But when the new year rolls around, they start plotting elaborate ambushes and are able to hurl water balloons through the windows of moving cars. It’s nerf guerilla warfare ant there’s no reason to think the real thing was much different.

Teaching English in Laos

The following is based on conversations with teachers who are friends of mine. It is accurate to the best of my knowledge but you're encouraged to do your own research if you're interested in teaching here. My friends are caucasian native speakers. This article only applies to Vientiane; I'd imagine condtions and pay are worse in other parts of Laos. I can not give you advice regarding specific schools or how to find a job. I may update this article with a list of schools to avoid.

The first option is to teach at one of the 2-3 international schools here. You'll have a steady job with 9 to 5-type hours and a decent paycheck, at least for Laos. Unfortunately, you essentially have to be qualified to be a teacher in your home country: 4-year college degree, TEFL certificate, references, etc. Your job is really no different than a schoolteacher in your home country so I don't think this requires further explanation. You will not make enough to save any money--if you want that, teach in Korea or somewhere else with good pay and a low cost of living.

The second option is to teach at an institute. They may call themselves schools or colleges, but they are really just institutes where most of the people are going to English class a few hour per week. I'm making this distinction because there are a number of differences between these and regular schools. The main one is that your goal is not to improve students' English, it is to get them to like you so they re-enroll. One consequence of this is that even if they are talking on the phone or otherwise misbehaving, you can't discipline or yell at them. If you do, they'll complain and you'll eventually be fired. I'm going to use bullet points to explain the other downsides of teaching in an institute:


•Probably 90% of the English classes in Vientiane are taught Monday, Wednesday, and Friday from 5-7 PM. It is much more difficult to find work teaching at other times.

•Most students miss a significant number of classes and many come late to class. You will never change this. You can spend hours planning lessons and thinking of creative examples, but it won't matter when 2/3 of the kids don't show up.

•It's not unusual for a school to promise you a class and then cancel it at the last minute because there aren't enough students. You don't really have a job until you're actually in the classroom teaching for money.

•There are often 2-3 weeks between semesters. This can wreak havoc on your budget if you don't plan for the downtime.

•You will frequently have a day or week off for Lao holidays or Christmas. Again, if you don't know about these, your paycheck will be much smaller than you planned for.

As a white native speaker, you should be making $10-12/hr. Only take a lower-paying job if you really need the money. If you do this you should be actively looking for a better job. You will probably need to work at several schools to make ends meet.

Any current or past teachers are welcome to contact me with information or corrections. I'd especially be interested in teaching outside Vientiane.

Visiting a Country for a Few Days Doesn't Make You an Expert on Its History and Culture

I'm frequently asked how I deal with the huge number of backpackers visiting Laos and my answer is always the same: concentrated artillery fire to break up their ranks followed up by a motorbike cavalry charge to rout the survivors (obviously nerve gas would be preferable but international law regrettably forbids its use.) Another question I get a lot is why I have such a problem with backpackers. I really don't, at least not all of them. I've met plenty of wonderful people who are just passing through. People who are intelligent, funny, insightful, etc. Then there are the other backpackers. The ones who seem to have been put on earth to annoy me, the ones, I'll be talking about shortly.

While there are numerous ways backpackers piss me off, it mostly boils down to one thing: they know everything. Fucking everything. They can elucidate the aspects and traits of various cultures better than any anthropologist. They can pontificate upon the facets of a people's history and the causes and aftereffects of various wars. Their knowledge of political structures and geopolitics is unparalleled. I'm sorry, just because you browsed through a 1997 Lonely Planet at your hostel doesn't mean you know what the fuck you're talking about.

Why is it so difficult to say the words "I don't know" or at least refrain from talking about something you know almost nothing about? I spent a week in Melbourne and even had a local to show me around for most of that time, but I wouldn't pretend to know anything but the most basic information about the city. If someone asked me about the south of Laos, I would answer truthfully that I've never been there, don't know much about it, and I'd suggest they Google it. I sometimes get emails asking about marriage procedures, property ownership, or some other complex issue. While a backpacker would probably make something up and pat himself on the back for appearing clever, I tell them to consult a lawyer.

Another thing about backpackers is that, despite what they say, they really feel superior to the people living in the places they visit. Even to the point of thinking they know what's best for them. This is usually expressed as some kind of sentiment wishing people could preserve their traditional ways of life. Well, when given a chance, most people will choose a modern lifestyle. Is this because they've been tricked by evil corporations? No, it's because most "traditional" ways of living, like subsistence farming, are horrible for the people living them. Sure you get to have ipods and air-conditioning and MRIs, but if it were up to you, these people would be toiling on the same dirtpatch for the next thousand years. You probably don't even want them to have tractors because that would spoil the landscape for you.

This brings me to another point, one that applies to all classes of foreigners. Whether you're visiting a Hmong village or watching monks assemble in Luang Prabang, these are real people, not human zoo exhibits. You are not in an anthropological theme park. These people have a right to make decisions about their lives and if you don't agree, fuck you, you don't live there.

Twitter and Facebook

I've made a Facebook page for myself at www.facebook.com/livinglaos. Everyone is welcome to become my friend (or "friend").

I generally hate Twitter and think it's a moronic tool for narcisists. However, after much inner grappling, I've decided to create an account. I think it's neat that I can post via SMS whenever I have some kind of insight or observation that doesn't warrant its own article. Or when I'm drunk or bored. Anyway, I promise not to write about any of the trivial bullshit that gives twitter a bad name. I realize that no one gives a shit what kind of salad dressing I'm using or if I'm going to buy a new DVD player. If I've configured everything correctly, you should be able to see my tweets (god, I hate that word) over here>>>
or you can subscribe directly at twitter.com/LivingLaos. I should start sending messages within a few days once I get my phone set up and everything configured.

PS, why are all my adsense ads for fucking dog training? What the hell keywords are making Google do that? (Yes, I realize I probably just made the problem worse)

Frequently Asked Questions

Ok, I haven't been updating the site as much as I'd like. To make up for it here's a FAQ I was saving for the new site but I guess it wouldn't hurt to put it up now.

Can you describe yourself?
I'm a 28 y/o Canadian with a liberal arts degree from an American public college. Physically I am Caucasian, decent looking, and a little short.

Why did you start the site?
As a creative outlet, to educate people, and to make a couple bucks.

Can you post a picture of yourself, your name, etc.
No, I'm interested in preserving my anonymity for a variety of reasons.

What do you do for work? Do you teach English?
I work in finance, though not for a Lao company or foreign company in Laos. I won't go into detail on this except to say that what I do is completely legal.

Can you show me around/would you be interested in having a beer with me?
No offense but probably not. I'm not interested in being your personal tour guide and you probably aren't as fascinating as you think you are. I would possibly be interested if:
*You are friends with someone I know or I've met
*We've corresponded and I find you interesting
*You live here or will be staying here for a while. I'm always interested in making new friends here as long as you promise not to be creepy and call me all the time.
*You are willing to give me items I can't get here like good bourbon or beer. Contact me for more details.
*You are willing to pay me a ludicrous amount of money. I'm not wanting for cash, so if you want to employ me as a tour guide or conversation partner I will charge way, way above what would normally be considered rational or fair.

How much money do you make?
I make enough to live comfortably in Laos.

Can you get me pot or hook me up with a reliable source?
No.

I completely disagree with you about [pretty much any fucking thing I've ever written]
I don't care. Everything I write is my subjective opinion. You're certainly entitled to yours, just don't waste my time with it. If I've made a factual error somewhere feel free to contact me.

Why the hate for backpackers? Backpackers are wonderful people blah blah blah
I don't actually hate them but as a group they tend to annoy me. Hatred is funnier than annoyance so I tend to exaggerate a bit.

Where should I stay? What flight should I take? How should I get to Luang Prabang?
Get a fucking travel agent.

What sights should I see? How much time should I spend in Vientiane, etc.
Buy some guidebooks and check out Laos-related travel sites. I've been getting a lot of emails about this stuff so I'll try to write some articles about this in the coming months under the assumption it will increase traffic.

You don't write anything about the political situation.
I keep this site apolitical for reasons that should be obvious.

I think I'm moving to Laos. Can you help me rent a house, car, etc?
I might be able to give you some phone numbers and basic info but I won't hold your hand through the whole process.

Are you married? Do you have a serious girlfriend?
Currently single.

How does Lao food compare to other Asian cuisine/ What are the defining characteristics of Lao food?
Man, I don't know. It tastes good.

Can I write a guest article?
Maybe. Email me and we can discuss this.

I have a business and am interested in advertising on your site.
See this page for more information.

I have a business in town, can you review it?
Maybe. I make a point of trying new bars and restaurants so I'll probably get to it eventually. Even if you give me a free meal or drink, I'm still going to be brutally honest. Be warned, I tend to have very strong opinions, especially regarding bars.

[^^^these don't apply yet because I'm waiting for the new site to put up reviews]

Can I stay in your spare room? I'll pay you whatever a hotel would cost.
If you don't at least know me well enough to have my personal email, definitely no.

I want legal advice about marriage/buying a car/some bullshit.
Try thaivisa or talk to a law firm.

I don't understand your website. Is it satire, a travel website, or a blog?
Yes.

An Explanation of American Ignorance

Americans have a (mostly) justified reputation of being ignorant of the rest of the world. I'm not excusing this ignorance, but I will try to explain why it exists. It's not because individual Americans are dumber than anyone else, but is a a consequence of the USA's geography, culture, and educational policies.

The United States is a huge country. Its territory includes everything from tropical beaches to frozen wastelands; it encompasses an endless variety of deserts, forests, lakes, and grasslands. American cities range from the bustle of New York to the insanity of Las Vegas to the laid-back sophistication of San Francisco. Keeping this in mind, it's easy to see why so many Amercans don't feel the need to leave the country when they want to experience something new.

American travel habits are also a function of geography. The US is only bordered by two countries--Canada and Mexico--and most Americans who travel outside the US only visit one of these two (until very recently a passport was not even required). Travel anywhere else starts getting expensive. Unlike Europeans, Americans can't just hop on a €20 Ryan Air flight and arrive in a totally different culture.

Because of its economy and large population, America's culture is almost entirely self-contained. Foreign movies and TV show are of course available, but rarely become popular. Consequently, other cultures are often presented in ways that are stereotypical or laughably inaccurate.

The news media is probably the main cause of American ignorance. Quite simply, there are no stories about events taking place outside the US unless they involve the US military, threats to America, or are simply too large to ignore. Aliens watching nothing but broadcasts from major networks could reasonably conclude that the earth was comprised entirely of America, Iraq, Afghanistan, Israel, Iran, and China. The average American doesn't have the time or inclination to dig through the web or the back pages of the newspaper to find out what's happening in the rest of the world and so are stuck with what is readily available.

Finally we get to education. To call the the educational system America-centric (Amero-centric? US-centric?) is an understatement. The rest of the world exists only when it interacts with the United States and no one seems to care what it does the rest of the time. As far as most textbooks are concerned, WWII started when the Japanese bombed Pearl Harbor, and previous two years of European fighting are an unimportant footnote. The American attitude to history can best be summed up by the fact that most high school students take two years of American history and only one year of world history. That's right, only one year to learn about the history of the entire world.

Surviving British People

While Australians are the most annoying of all English-speaking peoples, the British are undoubtedly the scariest. Like rottweilers, the majority of British people reaching asian shores are bred for aggression and savagery. And not just the women. Here are some signs to watch out for:

Tattoos: You know those poisonous frogs that are brightly colored so predators don't eat them? It's the same thing with British people covered in tattoos, except instead of "don't eat me," they're saying "I JUST SPENT FIFTEEN YEARS IN PRISON FOR KILLING A PAKISTANI AND NOW I'M GOING TO DO WHATEVER THE FUCK I WANT YOU CUNT." If you see a British person with tattoos, treat them the same you would someone who is really into Ayn Rand--just pretend they're not there. Otherwise you'll get stabbed.

Speech: If you have trouble understanding what a British person is saying, they will probably end up stabbing you. This is because the more degenerated breeds of Britain have poorly developed language centers and are therefore forced to communicate by a primitive series of grunts and isolated English words. If you find yourself easily understanding the speech of a British person, they are probably a diplomat or fugitive pedophile.

Habitat: British people detest sunlight and spend their days indoors drinking alcohol. This also describes their nights. They tend to congregate in fighting arenas known as "pubs." If you value your life, these places should be avoided like a fat girl with cold sores.

Banking

I'm not an expert on Lao banking, but it's something I've looked into and talked about with other expats. The following information is accurate to the best of my knowledge but you should probably do your own research since the industry is rapidly changing and modernizing. If anyone has anything to add or correct, email me and I'll update the article.

The basics: You can open an account in Lao kip (LAK), Thai baht (THB), or US dollars (USD). Some banks have ATMs but these only despense kip. I believe you technically need a work visa to open a savings account, but most places don't care. Only businesses can open check accounts--the people working at the bank are unable to comprehend why an individual would want a checking account, so don't even waste your time.

The main problem with banking is the lack of many things we take for granted. There is no internet banking. Only one bank (ANZ) offer debit cards. Only three banks I know ofhave ATMs away from their main branches. There are no EFTs, so no Paypal or anything similar will work.

The other problem is that the Lao banking system isn't connected to the rest of the world. If you have an account with ANZ for example, you can't access it at the ANZ branch in Laos, or vice-versa. In order to wire money, you have to first wire it to a third bank and pay 1% of the total plus normal wire fees. I've been told by my bank that an international check would take a month to clear, but I wouldn't be surprised if it took significantly longer.

Many banks will have interest rates of up to 14% for kip accounts. While this seems like a good investment, you have to realize that the money isn't insured. You have no protection if the bank goes under or runs low on funds.

How to Distract the Public From a Political Crisis in Thailand

I was going to photoshop a control panel with these lables but then I remembered that I'm not very good at Photoshop and the time could be better spent mast...ering other languages.

[ ] Cambodians are stealing our temple!
[ ] White people are corrupting the youth!
[ ] People are insulting the monarchy!
[ ] White people are stealing our jobs/land/money!
[ ] Illegal immigrants
[ ] Gambling
[ ] Terrorism
[ ] Drugs

Any of these hot-button issues can be used to distract the Thai public from an inconvenient political crisis. Example:

"Minister, it appears most of the people who voted for you have been dead over 20 years."
"How can you say such a thing when my cousin goes hungry because filthy Burmese migrants have stolen his job?"

An Unnecessarily Complicated Explanation of Buying Stuff

You’re at the market. You want to buy a kilo of oranges but there are no prices listed. How can you avoid paying too much? The short answer is you can’t. This is an example of what economists call “information asymmetry” where one party is aware of important information that is unknown to the other party. The fruit seller knows the wholesale price of oranges, the typical price of oranges, and the lowest price she would be willing to accept. More importantly, she’s aware you don’t know any of this.

Locals don’t have this problem because they’ve grown up here and know how much things cost. They know that the best possible price one could get for a kilo of oranges is X and the most any sane person would pay is Y. Therefore almost all oranges will be sold at a price between X and Y, with the seller trying to get the price as close to Y as possible, and the buyer trying to get it as close to X. You of course are ignorant of this and might get quoted a price of 2Y. After much negotiation you settle on a price of 1.5Y. You feel proud of yourself for negotiating a good deal when in reality you’ve been totally screwed.

One way to deal with this is to ask a local how much a kilo of oranges usually costs and pay something close to this (as a foreigner you will never get a great deal, but it’s possible to get an OK deal.) You could also ask for prices from a variety of fruit sellers and use the lowest quoted price as a starting point for negotiations. Lastly, there’s the copout strategy where you just get your Lao friend/boyfriend/girlfriend/spouse to buy the oranges.

Now obviously spending $.25 too much on some fruit is insignificant to even the cheapest backpacker, but the oranges are just an example. Many, many prices are negotiated in Laos and small rip-offs turn into big ones and quickly add up. If you live here and have to rent a house and buy a car, motorbike, TV, computer, DVD player, etc., you’re potentially wasting thousands of dollars that could be better spent on Beerlao.

How to get good prices on items is something I’m frequently asked. I guess people think there’s some kind of magic formula like “the quoted price is 2 ½ times the real price” (I might start saying that just for fun), but the reality is far more complicated.

This has nothing to do with anything, but someone needs to come out with a smart phone that’s also a universal remote. Think of the convenience.

The Bangkokization of Vientiane Begins

True Coffee just opened a giant store on Setthathirath Road. They must be forgetting they’re not in Times Square because the shear enormity of their signs overpower everything for several blocks. As far as I know, this is the first foreign chain allowed to open a branch in Laos. The Vientiane Times has an ad looking for managers for a new Pizza Company store. God help us all.

What I’m trying to do with this site

Since I launched this site I’ve just been messing around and adding content. I haven’t done much of anything to promote the site or improve my Google search ranking—I haven’t even told many of my friends about it. I’m planning on doing all of these things once I get the site redesigned.

Basically what I want is a blog on the front page featuring the latest things I’ve written and a sidebar listing past articles divided by theme (Laos basics, cultural observations, etc.) as well as things like restaurant reviews, a FAQ, and emails I’ve received. All of this would be more organized and user-friendly than the standard blog format and would probably increase traffic.

Designing this seemed simple enough, but all of my efforts came out looking like a Geocities homepage from 1997. I’ve been pretty lazy about trying to find a web developer but I’ve talked to a few. They’ve either not understood what I’ve wanted (language barrier) or quoted prices that seem ridiculous for the simple site I want to have. I’m perfectly capable of modifying and updating the site, I just don’t have the skills to create it in the first place. Anyway, I guarantee the relaunch will take place by mid-2009.

The economy and other stuff

I have a list of topics I plan on writing about that is literally several pages long. The topics include various aspects of Lao culture, comparisons of Thailand and Laos, thoughts on learning the Lao language, humorous observations, lists of things I love, lists of things I hate, and any number of other things that have popped into my head in the past six months. At the beginning of the year I promised myself I would put up an entry of at least a few paragraphs every Friday. I even put this in my day planner. For the past few days I’ve been reading through my list and nothing has jumped out at me. One thing I’ve learned about writing is that anything you write will suck if you aren’t enthusiastic about it. So instead of forcing myself to write on one of these topics, I’m just going to jump around stream-of-consciousness style.

Let’s start with the Economic Crisis (this seems to be the agreed-upon term). I have to admit, I’m finding the whole thing rather amusing. Part of me wants the Dow to drop 2,000 points in a single day so I can watch people on the other side of the world frantically running around while I sit giggling in a Beerlao and valium-induced stupor. The New York Stock Exchange opens at 9:30 PM, making a bad trading day endlessly more entertaining than anything on HBO Asia.

And how can they call it HBO when there’s no cussing and no boobs? I thought the whole point of HBO was that there were no commercials and no edits. I’m pretty sure the guy in charge of editing is an Islamic cleric of some kind. Take Entourage. The show’s full of boobs, f-bombs, drug use, casual sex, etc. The logical thing would be to schedule a movie or tamer show. Instead, we have a program edited to the point where it no longer makes sense. In a recent episode, we saw Drama getting a prescription and later smoking it. The scene where he buys it has been cut. I mean, what kind of Keystone Kops censorship operation are these guys running? Smoking bongs is perfectly fine but OMG THEY’RE BUYING MARIJUANA!

And here’s the thing that really cracks me up: the guy editing Entourage doesn’t want anyone to know Lloyd is gay. I know what the guy is thinking: “if all these asians watching asian HBO see an asian guy who has sex with other men, they might become gay.” I’m sure if he had the budget, he would have had a CGI team insert women into every scene where Lloyd is doing something remotely gay (which is most of them).

Even if Entourage did make people gay, would that be a bad thing? China has 1.3 billion people. Luckily the government wants to avoid a Malthusian nightmare (I love that phrase) and has instituted its one-child policy to get the population under control. Why not actively encourage homosexuality? They missed a great opportunity to tie this in with the Olympics. If they had just come up with some catchy slogans (“Sodomy: think outside the box”), Beijing would be looking like the Castro district right now. And let’s face it, most Chinese girls aren’t much to look at.

But anyway, back to the Economic Crisis. It doesn’t seem to be affecting Laos much. Tourism is down from a year ago but still seems to be doing fine. I don’t know how much is the economy and how much is people not wanting to fly into BKK. Buildings are still going up. The Vientiane times says everything is OK, but what else would you expect? The population is 80% subsistence farmers, a profession that is recession-proof by definition. Most of the locals don’t understand what’s going on in the rest of the world, but if they did, they would probably just shrug their shoulders and say bo pen nyang. If things get bad they can always work on uncle Phoungsavanhathanakhamathan’s farm for a year or two.

The Man With One Watch Knows What Time It Is

Learning Lao is a lot tougher than learning Thai. It’s not that the language is any more difficult, it has to do with the absence of standardization and lack of decent educational materials.

Thailand has several dialects, but the central Thai dialect has become the standard for the entire country. Anything written in Thai will be in this standardized dialect. Any books, recordings, or other educational materials will teach you this form of Thai. The language obeys grammatical and stylistic rules that are probably written down somewhere. I don’t really care.

As an aside, I want to talk about linguists for a moment. These people are stupid. They can’t figure out a damn thing about the Lao language. All they can agree on is that there is a language called “Lao” spoken in and around Laos and that it is in the same family as several other languages, most notably Thai. They can’t even agree on what this family of languages should be called.

Lao has several dialects, none of which is the official one. I say “several” when referring to the number because I have no fucking clue how many there are and neither does anyone else. Figure range from three (north, central, and south) to a whole shitload. Various books have helpfully published dialog maps, all of which contradict each other. The major feature that distinguishes dialects from each other is differences in tone. It shouldn’t be surprising that published accounts of tones in various dialects are totally contradictory.

There are only a few books and other sources for learning Lao. All them agree you should learn the Vientiane dialect because this is more likely to be understood in the rest of Laos. Unfortunately every source, literally every source, disagrees on what the Vientiane dialect is. Some say it has 5 tones, others 6, but none of them even agree on the tones themselves.

If you want to learn Lao, pick one source and stick with it. If you buy another book you’ll just end up confusing the hell out of yourself because certain parts will be contradictory. I’m not even that great of a Lao speaker, but everything I’ve looked at has had plenty of typos and other errors. Currently I’m using this website because it’s comprehensive and free. The best book I’ve found is called “Lao for Everybody” by Klaus Werner. It’s terrible for learning conversational Lao but is an excellent reference book for grammar. Unfortunately, it seems to be out of print. I’ll be writing more about learning the Lao language in the future.

How Much Lao Should I Learn?

Passing through -e.g. Vientiane-->Vang Viang-->Luang Prabang:
Don't bother. Everyone associated with the tourism (oops, travel) industry speaks at least some English. You can negotiate prices through a calculater. A nop (or wai, a bow with the palms pressed together) with a big "Sabaidee!" basically announces you're a clueless tourist. The Lao nop way less than the Thai. A smile and slight nod is fine when entering a store.

Staying about a month:
Learning numbers and some basic food vocabulary would be helpful but not necessary.

Staying a year:
Learn some basic conversational Lao, especially pleasantries ("this food is delicious" "you have a very nice home") and names of things you use every day. Learning to read and write would be a waste of time.

Over a year:
Learn to read and write. Yes, it's hard, but it's far from impossible. It's difficult in the same way learning anatomy is difficult: there's no trick to it, you just have to memorize a bunch of stuff. Remember, it's not a race, just do it at your own pace. Life will get a lot easier when you can use a dictionary, read signs and menus, and be able to correctly pronounce names. It's worth it just to see the shock on a local's face when you write something in Lao.

How to Bring Joy to the World

Suppose you want to make a positive difference in the world. You want to give money to a charity buy you’re concerned about how much of your donation will actually go towards helping people. You want to help end hunger and diseases like AIDS and malaria but you aren’t a billionaire. You’d like to mentor an at-risk child but then you’re only helping one person. I have a solution for you: get a tattoo of a penis on your forehead.

I’m completely serious about this. I can’t imagine a simpler, more cost-effective way to bring joy and relief to so many people. When you’ve been on your feet for 12 hours and just had a fight with your spouse, none of that matters anymore when you see someone with a dick on their forehead. If you’ve just been laid off and aren’t sure how you’ll feed your family, your troubles become unimportant after encountering someone with a penis tattoo on their face. With such a tattoo, ou could visit the poorest areas of Asia, Africa, and South America and touch the lives of millions. Millions. Think about it.

"Lao" vs. "Laotian"

According to the dictionary, a Laotian is a person from Laos or of Lao descent. "Laotian" is also an adjective for things pertaining to Laos or Laotians.

I have never heard a citizen or an expat use the word "Laotian." The only people who use the term are clueless tourists. Everyone, for example, talks about "Lao people," drinking beer "Lao Style*," and asks questions like, "Is she Thai or Lao?"

I know I'm going to get an email about how "Laotian" is a more egalitarian term because the Lao are only one ethnic group in Laos, etc. I'm aware of this, I'm just reporting what people say.

While I'm on this subject, when referring to the country, most expats say "Lao" instead of "Laos." This is because the Lao word for "Laos" is "Lao." You might need to read that last sentence a few times before it makes sense. The French added an "s" to the country name just for the hell of it and we've been stuck with "Laos" instead of "Lao" ever since.

One of the most common questions I get is about the pronunciation of "Vientiane." There are three possible answers:
1. The Lao name for their capital.
2. The closest English transliteration of 1.
3. Pronunciation of "Vientiane."

I obviously can't give you 1 since I'm writing in English, but 2 would probably be Wiengchan, although the "w" could also be a "v" and the "ch" could also be a "j." No westerners use this when talking to other westerners, in fact they seem to avoid saying the name of the city whenever possible. "Vientiane" can be pronounced vee-ehn-tee-ehn or vee-ehn-tee-ahn. The French pronunciation is also fine.

*poured into a small glass which is immediately drunk and passed to the next person

The Final Word on Sex with Foreigners

• Yes, it’s illegal for Lao nationals to stay overnight with foreigners of the opposite sex. It doesn’t matter if she’s a hooker, your fiancé, or a misunderstanding—if you’re not married, it’s technically illegal.
• Foreigners sleeping with foreigners and Lao-on-Lao sex is ok.
• I’ve spoken about this with several other foreigners who have been here longer than I have. The only confirmed cases we’ve heard of in Vientiane were foreigners living with their Lao girlfriends. None of us had heard of a single verified case of anyone getting fined for a one-night fling or relationship where the Lao girl did not live with the guy in Vientiane.
• This has happened in Vang Vieng and Luang Prabang, which are much smaller than Vientiane.
• I’ve known two foreign women who have openly lived with their Lao boyfriends without incident.
• If you bring a girl back to your hotel/guesthouse, there is almost no chance of getting in trouble for it, but it is possible. If you can’t afford the $500 (or possibly more) fine, keep it in your pants.
• How do people deal with this? Some people only date other westerners, some live with their girlfriends from surrounding countries, and some live with their Lao girlfriends in other countries (usually Thailand). I even heard about a guy who officially employed his girlfriend as a live-in maid. If you have a Lao girlfriend, you will probably be fine as long as she doesn’t move in with you or make a habit of staying over.

Attention Backpackers:

Here are some things you should know that the guidebooks don’t tell you:

• “Why is the internet so slow?” Because you’re in fucking Laos. This means you won’t be able to upload your terabyte of photos, you won’t be able to download your favorite TV shows, and you won’t be able to have neat video chats with your friends. It should be obvious that 3rd-world countries don’t have lightning-fast internet connections but I keep running into people who can’t grasp this.

• Either leave your laptop, ipod, $800 digital camera, and portable DVD player at home or stay in places nice enough that you don’t have to worry about security. How are you supposed to enjoy yourself when you have to lug around a backpack full of shit everywhere you go?

• You aren’t saving much money by drinking at your hostel or guesthouse. A large Beerlao in the minimart costs 8,000 kip. A large Beerlao in many bars costs 10,000 kip and you can often find happy hour specials for 8,000. This means that instead of going out and having fun, you’ve saved maybe a dollar by drinking in your room like a miserable degenerate.

• You don’t need to negotiate every time you spend money. Negotiating the price of a tuk-tuk: good. Negotiating the price of a Buddha statue: perfectly fine. Arguing for 20 minutes with a guesthouse clerk so you can save $.50 a night: pathetic. Trying to get items at a bar or restaurant for below the listed price: you sully everything you touch. Please kill yourself.

More Jokes

From the same book:

John: Waiter! There are ants in my soup.
Waiter: I know, its ant soup.

*

I sacrificed everything so that my son could become a doctor, and now he tells me I have to stop eating raw fish salad and blood-soaked snacks.

*

Xiengdy is the fanatic anti-smoker. Whenever he saw someone smoking a cigarette, he would pull it out of the person’s mouth and step on it. He finally died of foot cancer.

*

Three sons Bounmy, Khamsy, and Thongdy discussed the gifts they had given to their elderly mother. The first son said, “I’ve just built a big house for our mother.” The second son said, “I’ve just sent Mom a Mercedes with a driver.” The third son said, “We all remember how our mother enjoys listening to folksongs so I’ve sent her a parrot that can sing folksongs from north to south.” Soon thereafter, their mother sent out her letter of thanks. The letter reads:

Bounmy, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room but I have to clean the whole house.
Khamsy, I am too old to travel, so I rarely use the car. The driver is so rude.
Thongdy, the parrot was delicious.

*

The police bring a prisoner criminal to the jail. The manager of the jail asks impatiently, “didn’t I tell you that I didn’t want to see you here again?”
“Yes sir. That’s what I told the policeman but he didn’t believe me.”

*

Father: Why did you let that English boy kiss you?
Daughter: I could not stop him because I can not speak English.

*

Judge: Why did you use the chair to hit your wife?
Defendant: Because I am not strong enough to lift the table!

*

A new soldier shoots 20 bullets but does not hit the target even once. His instructor is very angry and swears at him:
“Idiot! Don’t shoot anymore. Go into the woods and kill yourself.”
I’m going to cut the joke off here, the rest of it doesn’t matter.

*

“Do you serve women at this bar?”
“No, sir, you must bring your own.”