Visiting a Country for a Few Days Doesn't Make You an Expert on Its History and Culture

I'm frequently asked how I deal with the huge number of backpackers visiting Laos and my answer is always the same: concentrated artillery fire to break up their ranks followed up by a motorbike cavalry charge to rout the survivors (obviously nerve gas would be preferable but international law regrettably forbids its use.) Another question I get a lot is why I have such a problem with backpackers. I really don't, at least not all of them. I've met plenty of wonderful people who are just passing through. People who are intelligent, funny, insightful, etc. Then there are the other backpackers. The ones who seem to have been put on earth to annoy me, the ones, I'll be talking about shortly.

While there are numerous ways backpackers piss me off, it mostly boils down to one thing: they know everything. Fucking everything. They can elucidate the aspects and traits of various cultures better than any anthropologist. They can pontificate upon the facets of a people's history and the causes and aftereffects of various wars. Their knowledge of political structures and geopolitics is unparalleled. I'm sorry, just because you browsed through a 1997 Lonely Planet at your hostel doesn't mean you know what the fuck you're talking about.

Why is it so difficult to say the words "I don't know" or at least refrain from talking about something you know almost nothing about? I spent a week in Melbourne and even had a local to show me around for most of that time, but I wouldn't pretend to know anything but the most basic information about the city. If someone asked me about the south of Laos, I would answer truthfully that I've never been there, don't know much about it, and I'd suggest they Google it. I sometimes get emails asking about marriage procedures, property ownership, or some other complex issue. While a backpacker would probably make something up and pat himself on the back for appearing clever, I tell them to consult a lawyer.

Another thing about backpackers is that, despite what they say, they really feel superior to the people living in the places they visit. Even to the point of thinking they know what's best for them. This is usually expressed as some kind of sentiment wishing people could preserve their traditional ways of life. Well, when given a chance, most people will choose a modern lifestyle. Is this because they've been tricked by evil corporations? No, it's because most "traditional" ways of living, like subsistence farming, are horrible for the people living them. Sure you get to have ipods and air-conditioning and MRIs, but if it were up to you, these people would be toiling on the same dirtpatch for the next thousand years. You probably don't even want them to have tractors because that would spoil the landscape for you.

This brings me to another point, one that applies to all classes of foreigners. Whether you're visiting a Hmong village or watching monks assemble in Luang Prabang, these are real people, not human zoo exhibits. You are not in an anthropological theme park. These people have a right to make decisions about their lives and if you don't agree, fuck you, you don't live there.