Attention Backpackers:

Here are some things you should know that the guidebooks don’t tell you:

• “Why is the internet so slow?” Because you’re in fucking Laos. This means you won’t be able to upload your terabyte of photos, you won’t be able to download your favorite TV shows, and you won’t be able to have neat video chats with your friends. It should be obvious that 3rd-world countries don’t have lightning-fast internet connections but I keep running into people who can’t grasp this.

• Either leave your laptop, ipod, $800 digital camera, and portable DVD player at home or stay in places nice enough that you don’t have to worry about security. How are you supposed to enjoy yourself when you have to lug around a backpack full of shit everywhere you go?

• You aren’t saving much money by drinking at your hostel or guesthouse. A large Beerlao in the minimart costs 8,000 kip. A large Beerlao in many bars costs 10,000 kip and you can often find happy hour specials for 8,000. This means that instead of going out and having fun, you’ve saved maybe a dollar by drinking in your room like a miserable degenerate.

• You don’t need to negotiate every time you spend money. Negotiating the price of a tuk-tuk: good. Negotiating the price of a Buddha statue: perfectly fine. Arguing for 20 minutes with a guesthouse clerk so you can save $.50 a night: pathetic. Trying to get items at a bar or restaurant for below the listed price: you sully everything you touch. Please kill yourself.